The Day My World Came Crashing Down

"She told me that she couldn't find the yolk sac", my husband tells me as we wait impatiently in the ER waiting room. "What does that mean?", I ask. He shrugs and tells me he doesn't know. I grab his phone and quickly (and desperately) search for answers. My heart drops. According to Google, it's early signs of a miscarriage.

I hear my name being called and the doctor has my results. She asked me about my cramps and spotting and I told her  they'd had stopped. She then told me the inevitable. She said there were two possibilities. Either I had miscalculated and was in fact 6 weeks pregnant (which was highly unlikely) or I had miscarried. She said, though the latter was most likely, I needed to come back for another blood test to compare HGC levels to confirm my loss. She gives me a note for work to take the rest of the week off and an appointment slip.

And just like that, my world came crashing down. Feelings of guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and confusion all tied up in a bow of despair just for me. I couldn't fathom my new reality. This baby that I was growing inside of me... that I'd hoped for... was gone. No, they were robbed. Nothing made sense. Just the other day, I was showing my sister the Disney Baby Nightmare Before Christmas toys I picked out for their nursery. My husband and I were bouncing off each other baby names. What gives?

The truth of the matter is. This is nobody's fault. Deep in my heart, I know this. It's just going to be a long journey to accept it. 

I chose to share my recent experience because I know that I'm not alone. You're not alone. It's going to take some time, but we'll get through this together.